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Ok, so I have been flaky lately. Here is why.   I have tried to figure out how to post this over the past week, but finally just decided to tell ya'll all of it.

1.  I need a hysterectomy.  I have for a while now....
2.  I found lumps in my belly before the holidays.  I was diagnosed with multiple hernias that need immediate removal.  I can't eat much and I feel sick all the time.  They are swollen and pushing up against my diaphragm and so I can't breath too well.   But I can't fix this problem until I have the hysterectomy because the repairs will be right where the surgical scar for the hyst would go, rendering it useless.  So I am back to square one. 

The combination of these surgeries is considered high risk and nobody local wants to do it (so far).  So, I am trying to get into Shands, which is supposedly one of the best teaching schools here in the South.  It is in Gainesville - 7 hours away.  I have been trying to get appts scheduled with both teams, general surgery and GYN surgery but General surgery has been giving me trouble and just generaly not so helpful.  SO I finally get an office manager who tells me the holdup was just a CAT scan so  I went the very next day to get the requested CAT.   
3.   I got the results of said CAT scan this week that I have a 3x3 cm hypodense lesion on my liver.  Hmmmmm.... shit - double shit.

SOOOOO.... I went to the Liver specialist who says it could be malignant or it could be nothing so we have to do another crapload of tests before
a.  I will know what the hell the mass is
b. I can have the above surgeries.  

So I am going this Monday to have the next CAT scan.  Mmmmm, yum.  More barium milkshakes.  Woot woot.  They also took a lifetime supply of blood and I have to do a 24 hour urine - will spare you the details of that fun little experiment.

The last month of this damn limbo has been making me crazy. I am having surgery eventually, but I don't know when or when and I can't plan anything.   I am not so good with being stagnant.  I like movement.  

This week we have had lots of movement but none of it in the surgical direction - the threat of Cancer tends to get them going pretty quickly.....  It is all about the liver now - once they clear that then hopefully I can get on with scheduling the surgeries.

My day job has been patient so far, but I sense the patience is wearing a little thin.  I don't know what else to do... except just keep on keeping on and keeping them informed.

How this will affect HollyEQQ.com?  It won't.  
I need to pay for all this surgery somehow!  I have insurance, but the travel, hotel, and additionals will be high.  I will also need care, so someone will need to go with me... so more expenses there.   I keep trying to tell myself not to worry about money, because there are bigger fish to fry but yeah, I like to take care of myself. 

Plus,  I have needed to stay busy or I freak out.   But I get tired easily so I have been trying to find some balance.

Oh and no more google researching for medical advice - very depressing stuff.

So here I am.  This is me.   
Well fuck! Shit is shit is shit!
I am glad you have said what is going on! First of all, can't they do the hysterectomy vaginally???? They did with me, of course a million years ago...hence forgoing the problem with the hernia's surgery????

How can we not be flaky when we don't feel so good! It is a battle to even try to figure out what the hell is going on! AND I can't stand breathing issues, they are very scary!!!

And at least you are getting some movement as to what to do! GAH...I know not fast enough but at least there is some movement! And how can you not worry about money and your job...I know chronic stuff is hard on a job! Believe me I have had that issue too...one year I had to work only 4 hrs a day because that was all I could handle...and it gets old on an employer! I understand that, but some times we do have to take care of ourselves too...which causes us stress.

Finding that balance is SO hard! I have a hard time with balance. If I come up with some thing good I will share, if you do share with me!

I am sending you only white healing thoughts and hoping your doctors show concern and wisdom in what to do next! I am not liking the Liver thing! Hugs
Thanks! Your comment was exactly how I feel about all this. gah.
I had a handle on the surgeries, I thought, until the whole liver thing popped up this week then I just kinda collapsed. I need the good vibes for sure.

I can't have a vaginal hyst because I have endo and they need to go in and clean it up one final time. I have had 8 previous surgeries.
Unfortunately I have dealt with employers and being sick before and they usually start out supportive then end up bored with it. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I am trying to keep all my bases covered with them.
My boss has been great so far... very very very understanding.

btw, who are ya? I really like when people leave their names or blogsite so I know who I am talking to.
Hi Holly and LA! Hope you are having a restful, fibery day? I hope you are finding some peace, and that things start moving more quickly as far as the medical community--always seems pretty hopeless huh? Sounds to me like they better step up.

The sheep wanted to tell you they are sending you happy sheep vibes and that they will be on the move to kick doctor's butts if they don't get moving so you can heal and relax! And believe me, they MEAN it!

Keep your chin up missy, you have lots of friends who want to help and are sending you well wishes. San & the sheep
Thank you my darling sheepies.
Holly, what a nightmare for you. How can one person deserve to have so many problems at once? I am a long way away but I am sending you lots of positive thoughts and love. You have a long journey in front of you but you have some of the best medics in the world over there and I am sure they will all look after you. A friend of mine has just fought a fierce battle with breast cancer and come through it. You have to stay positive and keep working at getting well. I faced a tough struggle with surgery myself in 1986 and wasn't expected to get through it but I stubbornly kept plodding on thro it all and I'm still here to tell the tale (with a wonderful pattern up the midline of my body from the 4 surgeries I had). I've got 2 hernias that may need surgery one day but noone's saying it's urgent yet.
Don't read the stuff on the internet - it's too alarmist and makes you worry unnecessarily. I'll be thinking about you and sending you lots of love. Keep positive, and keep moving!

lots of love and hugs
Julie xx
Thanks so much.
I definitely am more positive. I was hanging tough but the added liver scare just sent me off the deep end for a few days. I am feeling more like myself today but that seems to change hour by hour these days. I just do my best.
Unfortunately, I have had WAY too much experience with all this stuff so I know the gameplan - maybe that is worse - I don't know.

Internet searching is one of those things... you need to stay informed and as long as you stay on the doctor websites, they have been helpful. It helps me to have a better understanding of the situation before the doctors start throwing big words and big decisions. Unfortunately with masses on the liver - there are only two words - benign and malignant. Grrrr.
Thanks for the love and kind words.
I need it.
Hi Holly,Ive followed your fibre antics for awhile now and it makes me feel as flaky as you with the problems you have right now.
I have work problems too but nothing as severe as yours,I hope with all my heart that your boss will remain understanding as it will probably give you normality? and something real to hang onto!
Heres to everything working out ok,lots a healing vibes coming you way!
Thanks Cathy -
You are too sweet. I agree, work makes everything easier, because although it is hard to get moving somteimes, it just feels more normal.
Keeping my fingers crossed.
big hug!
oh holly, m'dear, i have no idea how i missed this post! i have not been keeping up so well on my journaling these days. i'm glad you shared with me, but i'm super-glad now that you've shared with the 'world.' it will be good to have supportive vibes coming from all the folks who love you and care about you. all of this must be so frightening and i find it so frustrating that patients are the ones who have to do all the research and leg work, it seems, if they want to have good care. there is so much involved, and so much cost...but try not to worry about the money. i know that is easier said than done, but i would be a paralyzed mess if i worried about the direness of our financial situation all the time. the money stuff will work itself out eventually. right now, you need to get well and let your friends and all your great customers take care of you! i'm happy to be of support at this time for you...please feel free to use that phone number i gave you...anytime!
You rock sistah.

I am trying to remain calm... and today I feel good... real good. I am trying to keep that feeling I had yesterday at the beach with the sun shining on my skin and the waves breaking at my feet. It was glorious.
The sea gulls were a little too aggressive - guess they were hungry. :)
But yeah, I am trying to use guided mediation to keep me in a happy place. (although I am guiding so I am sure there is another name for it - you get the point)
I am trying NOT to worry about money but then I think, well, if I can work now then if bad things happen I MAY be a little more prepared.... so I just keep working. It gives me a sense of accomplishment. Plus, Mandie sent me all these silk goodies from Australia and I have had SO much fun dyeing them up that they make me happy. I am just trying to do things that make me happy right now - keeps my mind from going to the dark place.
I am also going to try to go spin tomorrow night and see how that goes. Not too optimistic... same with batts. My creative outlet is stunted with extreme stress... although those things do relax me once I can open up. I am going to try something simple and pleasant - spin locks.
Thanks for your support and kind words.
I appreciate you.

Sending positive vibes your way! Hang in there and keep pressing until you get some answers---I am a nurse myself and am embarressed that I have worked with other nurses who seem to take pleasure in making things as difficult as possible for people so don't be afraid to take it on up the chain. Try not to worry about work, expenses, etc---you need to concentrate on you and doing the right thing. Hang in there!!!

Gosh your reply was right on time. Thanks for the kind words. I was sitting here sniffling and I needed them. Thank you.

I need your help. It is not medical - wouldn't ask that of you but it has to do with a staff problem. I need an outside opinion.

Can you email me?
HollyEQQ at Hotmail.com

Again thank you - you have no idea how your post turned my brain around.
oh...i completely missed this post :-(

geez i had no idea holly. gonna keep you in my thoughts and send as many good vibes as i can for as long as it takes. i can't tell you not to worry but keep the positive outlook in mind as much as possible! hang in hang in! we're rooting for you!!

sending love and hugs...
thank you - I am trying to remain positive.... I have to. I like positive.
Hugs right back at ya.
Big hugs from all of us here in Finland. Hope things get sorted real soon and you are soon back to being the holly we know and love!
Amanda (Heikkinen)
Aww - thanks Amanda.
You are too sweet.
Whoa, how the fuck did I miss this post? I'm so sorry, wow, what a shitty friend I am!

Anyway, we are all here for you, and we are going to raise tons of money for you. Keep yourself busy but take care of yourself and we will work on the money for you!

Don't goggle too much, its so dangerous!!
Remember last month when we were talking about health insurance? That is what this was all about. I got mad at work and I could no longer say - screw ya'll - I will go be HollyEQQ full time. I knew I needed the health insurance and hopefully not the disability. It was killing me not to just walk but I knew I needed surgery. I just didn't know how much.
So I had to put the big girl panties on and bite my lip - even if it bled.
Anyway, just thought I would explain.

Something weird happened with this post. It didn't show up on anyone's friends page for some reason. Everyone missed it. I thought it was odd nobody responded... I almost deleted it.

I can't believe ya'll are raising money for me. I am beyond floored. Speechless.
Thank you - thank you.
one very tired puppy
Thanks! I definitely need it right now.
I didn't realize how much until I posted about it and the love poured in.
It is helping.
i am so sorry to hear about the hell you are going through ! my thoughts and prayers are with you !
I am trying to keep my chin up. I am tired so I can only do a little bit at a time, but I am still doing so I have no complaints.
Thanks again.
shit. i missed this post. I've been so bad about reading lately. This sucks! shit shit shit. what can I do? anything? If there's anything I can do, i'm there, and i'm here, thinking good, healing, money-generating thoughts.

xxoxo and some more,
Money generating thoughts huh... does that work? Cause I will run my happy ass home and spend all day in mediation!!!! :)

No seriously - I am ok. I can still do stuff, albeit slowly so I just try to do what I can. The dye pots are still going, when I am at home. And I have been knitting tons.

It is the silly stuff that I need help with - running the vacuum and sweeping literally takes all my breath away. Then there are the dishes which I hated before this started. And I have a mountain of laundry that would scare a village.
But I am lucky to have a friend local who is helping me. I think Sunday I am going to the laundrymat instead of updating. It will take hours, even there but I need clean clothes!

BTW, I sent out a bag of goodies to you on Tuesday so keep your eyes peeled. :)
Thanks for the good vibes.
Holly, Was reading Lexi's blog and read about you. Sending you my thoughts and prayers. I am a chemo/ER trauma nurse, also a cancer survivor, so know somewhat of your fears. I haven't been much of a spinner lately but will try and help out anyway I can. Medical bills can multiply quickly I know, as I currently work two jobs to help pay my brother's bills as he has a brain tumor. A book I really recommend to all my patients and non patients is Deanna Farve's "Don't Bet Against Me" I would like to send a copy too you if you would email your mailing address to me at vintagek@hotmail.com. I found it brought me and still brings inner peace as I struggle with my brothers issues. I will add you to our hospitals prayer circle and will keep the faith all will be well. Many are keeping you close in their hearts near and far right now just remember that! Blessings...elle
Thanks elle.
You are so sweet. I have to tell you, today I feel better. My heart doesn't feel so heavy.
I am so sorry to hear about your brothers tumor and your cancer. My goodness. I can't even begin to comprehend.

Chemo/ ER trauma nurse huh. That is some combination. :)

I am going to look up that book now. I definitely need to read something positive, particularly if I don't get the all clear on the liver. It is my biggest fear right now but I am trying to remain optimistic.

Thanks again for your kind words.
holly...sorry to hear this, and like a few others noted, i missed this post. glad you have all the info, but not glad you are going thru this experience. you have all of our good wishes, and anything else, let us know. thanks for keeping us posted. take care and i hope this all goes as easily as possible for you.
Thanks Linda.
You guys are wonderful. I tell you, I woke up today feeling better. I feel safer, if that makes any sense.
The last fews weeks, I had just felt so alone.
Thank you.